F*cked up

I ought to be studying right now, but I’m here, actually. Trying to find the words to express these chest-tightening that I have. I can’t eat, nor sleep. So, this means that this f*cking “problem” is way too serious. I mean, food is my life… or at least I thought so.

I want to cry but the truth is I don’t have any strength left. I have to wipe my tears away and I feel incapable of doing so. So, I won’t cry. Okay, let’s make this clear. My eyes aren’t crying. While in the other hand my chest is screaming. It hurts like hell.

Image result for stephen king you think okay i get it

The idea of me being replaced is literally killing me. I want to tell you how much I love you, but this privilege doesn’t belong to me anymore. And now, I’m regretting it. Why didn’t I tell you earlier? It wouldn’t make any difference, I know. We still would have separate roads to take on our own but maybe my chest would feel lighter.

I want you to be happy. I really do, because you totally deserve this. You ought to be happy beside someone who truly loves you. Not beside a mean creature like me. Because I’m hurt. I’m drowning in that bloody ocean of feelings. I feel weak. I don’t know how to deal with this.

My face is smiling. I’m smiling. While that weak soul of mine is sobbing. Filthy b*tch! She knew that karma is and will always be a f*cking b*tch. Still, she fell in the “Love” sea. She wandered and had fun and it was her time to get hurt. Mean creature, that’s what I am.

I’m trying to understand what I have written over here but I’m feeling too f*cked up, so I’m going to take a nap.

© M.M

 

 

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